Lift up thine eyes unto the heavens,
and thou shalt see The Hand
sky-writing the holy words -
John the Educator 13:28
Twerpwyck University has recently announced the formal opening of its new Institute for the Study of Academic Processology (ISAP). We regret that, due to a printer's error, the announcement which was sent out had the word Proctology instead of Processology. Although the two sometimes have much in common, it was not our intention to direct attention to that.
The institute was established with a grant from the Fund for the Remediation of Ineffective Academic Communication. Future funding will be provided by a consortium of 6,497 process-oriented colleges and universities. All these institutions are fully accredited or have candidate status with their respective regional accrediting associations.
ISAP, which is devoted entirely to research on The Role of The Process in Academic Administration, is destined to significantly influence higher education. Indeed, that is already happening because The Process has spread, like air-borne contagion, throughout the academic world. It is now the main factor determining the mode or style of administration in many academic institutions.
The organizational structure of the Twerpwyck University College of Innovative Higher Education is completely based on The Process.
The objectives of ISAP are:
To perpetuate itself.
To eternally increase its budget by any and all means, preferably at an exponential rate
To glorify The Process and conduct processological research.
To publish the Journal of Academic Processology. The Processology Newsletter, and an Annual Review of Processology.
To serve as the national headquarters of the International Association of Academic Prosessologers.
To give an annual award, known as The Compleat Processologizer, to the tenured full professor at an accredited university who has devoted the greatest amount of time during the preceding academic year to completely un-productive discussion at faculty meetings.
To help colleges and universities organize and offer graduate programs of study in Processology, leading to the degree of Doctor of Processology (D.Pr.).
To conduct conferences, workshops, seminars, in-service programs for staff-development, etc. in processology in order to processologize faculty members, administrators, and other academicians who are not yet sufficiently process-oriented.
Discussion per se is now passé
The Process was developed by the Department of Academic Administration in the Twerpwyck University College of Innovative Massage as a means of satisfying a basic need of many academicians who excel in mediocrity. This is the need to delude oneself into believing that one is doing something more than just talking at faculty meetings and on many other occasions.
By designation plain, ordinary, everyday talking as The Process, academicians create the illusion that they are doing something other than talking. And indeed they are. They are processing.
In a sense, The Process is a form of self-hypnosis. A group of self-designated intelligent individuals collectively convince themselves that something useful, positive, and constructive is being done whereas, in fact, nothing of any consequence is being accomplished.
This linguistic legerdemain occurs because, when people are playing The Process Game, they burn up time talking about how they should discuss things, make plans to reorganize and/or restructure, arrive at decisions, draw conclusions, etc. etc.
It is this idle chatter which is all-important in and of itself. What people actually accomplish or whether they accomplish anything at all as a result of their gibberish is important only because it is a direct measure of the extent to which The Process is or is not being effectively carried out.
The goals of The Process
Academicians who have been processologized do not rock boats. For them, boat-rocking is the biggest "No. No."- the ultimate faux pas. Boat-rockers naively believes that The Process is or should be a means to an end. They do not understand that The Process is not a means to an end but The End itself.
Such people are trouble-makers and disruptive elements because they are action-oriented. They want to change things and get things done. They do not understand that The Process is designed specifically to avoid change and avoid doing anything other than talking. The real purpose of The Process is to consume so much time and energy by talking that nothing will ever get done.
The Process may also be viewed as a device for converting means into ends. It does this by creating the illusion that progress is being made when, in fact, nothing is being accomplished. The Process creates the illusion that meaningful decisions are being made when, in fact, the only decision that is made is to continue processing.
Finally, The Process enables administrators and other academic barnacles to create the illusion that they are administering when, in fact, they are only playing The Process Game.
The Laws of The Process
If you want to participate in The Process and play The Process Game, simply say anything that comes to mind. No matter how irrelevant or stupid it is and how incompetent you are, say it with feigned erudition, so you will appear to be knowledgeable and, ipso facto, competent.
If a group is functioning efficiently, The Process will decrease its efficiency.
If a group is functioning inefficiently, The Process will increase its inefficiency.
If you have only a few committees, The Process will inevitably create more.
If you already have too many committees, The Process will convince you that too many is not enough.
If you feel you are spending too much time at committee meetings, The Process will convince you that too much time is not enough
If you ever get the idea that something should be done, The Process will convince you that it's better to talk about it than do it.
If you feel you have been backed into a corner where you may have to make a decision, The Process will provide you with the Two Golden Rules of Academic Decision-Making:
BETTER LATER THAN NOW
BETTER NEVER THAN LATER.
If you are in a position where you have to do something which you don't want to do, the Golden Rule of The Process is:
"When e're a duty waits for thee.
With sober judgement view it.
And never idly wish it done."
Get someone else to do it.
If you want to play the game and go up the academic ladder, The Process is the shortest distance between two points.